How do I know if someone is lying to me?

You usually can’t tell whether someone is lying by watching their face or listening to their voice, and that’s true at any age. What you can do is let time and plain facts do the work: meet in person, keep money entirely out of it, and notice whether their story stays the same from one month to the next.

Why is it so hard to tell?

Most people tell the truth most of the time, which is part of why lies slip past us. In a national survey of 1,000 American adults, the average was 1.65 lies a day, but 59.9% said they had told no lies at all that day, and half of all the lies came from just 5.3% of people.1 So trusting people is usually a sensible bet. The trouble is the small group who lie a great deal, and some of them are very practiced.

Age plays a part too, and it’s worth knowing about. In a University of Otago study, older adults were worse than younger adults at spotting when someone was lying about their opinions, especially when the lie had been rehearsed.2 Older people’s weaker reading of facial expressions helped explain the gap.2 That was a lab study of short video clips, not real relationships. Still, it suggests that “I can always tell” is a less reliable guide after 60 than it was at 40.

The good news: you don’t need to read faces. Most lies come out through facts, and you can arrange for the facts to show up.

Which lies matter most at this stage?

Picture Bev, 68. She was widowed four years ago, and lately she has been writing every evening with a man named Ray who says he is an engineer working overseas. He is warm, attentive and remembers everything she tells him. Her daughter thinks he is “too good to be true.”

There are two very different kinds of lies Bev might be dealing with.

Ordinary shading. A few years off someone’s age, a flattering photo, a rosier story about why a marriage ended. These are common, and they usually come out on their own as you get to know someone. They are worth a gentle question, not a crisis.

Lies that lead to money. These are the ones that cost people their savings. The Federal Trade Commission reports that nearly 70,000 people reported a romance scam in 2022, with $1.3 billion lost and a median loss of $4,400.3 The story told most often was that a friend or relative was sick, hurt or in jail and needed money, followed by investment tips, a military posting, and help with a delivery.3 And 40% of people who lost money said the contact began on social media, more than the 19% who met on a dating site or app.3

People over 60 carry much of this burden. The FBI’s Internet Crime Complaint Center received 147,127 complaints from people over 60 in 2024, with about $4.8 billion reported lost, a 43% increase in losses from the year before.4 Romance scams are one part of that total.

Bev doesn’t need to decide whether Ray is lying. She can simply notice that she has never seen him on a live video call, and that he is overseas. Those are facts, and they tell her what to do next.

Why do sensible people get fooled?

Because these schemes are designed to fool sensible people. In research comparing romance scam victims with people who had never been scammed, psychologist Monica Whitty found that victims were more likely to be middle-aged, well-educated women, and that people who scored higher on trust in others were more likely to have been taken in.5 Being trusting and well-educated is not a weakness. It is simply what a skilled liar works with.

So if you find yourself wondering, that’s not foolishness. It’s good sense showing up.

What if your family thinks the person is lying?

Adult children often worry, sometimes for good reasons and sometimes because any new person is hard for them. Either way, their concern is worth hearing, and the decision is still yours.

It helps to ask them a plain question: “What, specifically, have you noticed?” A concrete answer (“he asked you about your house twice”) is worth taking seriously. A general feeling (“I just don’t like it”) is worth listening to kindly, and then weighing against what you have seen yourself.

It also helps to notice your own side of it. If you have started leaving out details when your family asks, it’s worth asking yourself why. Sometimes it’s privacy, which you are entitled to. Sometimes it’s a quiet sense that they would be worried, and that feeling deserves a second look.

How can you check, calmly?

You don’t need to interrogate anyone. A few ordinary steps sort out most situations.

• Meet. First a live video call, then a coffee somewhere public in daylight. Someone who is real and interested will want this too.
• Let time pass. Stories that are true tend to stay the same when they come up again in a month.
• Keep money out completely. No loans, gifts, fees, gift cards, investments or “help with a package,” for any reason, to someone you have not known well and in person.
• Tell one person. A friend or one of your children should know the person’s full name and how you met.
• Pay attention to pressure. Being rushed, being asked to keep things quiet, or being made to feel guilty for asking questions are all reasons to slow down.

What if money has already gone?

Stop sending more, even if you’re promised it will be returned. Call your bank or card company right away, and report what happened to the FTC and the FBI’s Internet Crime Complaint Center. Then tell someone you trust. Being deceived by a professional is not a judgment on your intelligence, and you don’t have to carry it alone. If the loss or the worry is weighing on you for weeks, a counselor or your doctor is a good next call.

What the research doesn’t tell us

• The lie-detection study used short video clips, not people you have come to know over months.
• Government figures count only what people report, so the real numbers are probably higher.
• The survey on lying relied on people reporting their own lies.
• None of this can tell you whether one particular person is honest. Only time, facts and meeting in person can do that.

What to do this week

• Take the checklist above and look at your answers in daylight.
• Suggest a video call if you haven’t had one. Notice how the person responds.
• Make your money rule out loud to yourself or a friend: nothing sent, for any reason.
• Tell one person you trust about anyone new, by name.
• Ask your family what they have actually seen, and listen for facts.